He Said, She Said of Online Dating. Part I: The Profile

Here it is, Part I of our multi-part refresher on online dating.  You can read his intro and his Part I: The Profile
(which is exactly the same as below, but you can read it to verify that if you have the time…and if you have the time you should let me know so you can come to my house and help me paint instead.)

I steer clear of profiles that say…

She said: Any thing lewd, disgusting or overtly sexual (ewww).  I don’t like the boring, uncreative profiles that sound like all the others, either.  (Yeah, we get it, you travel and like to read.  Next!) If they love the suburbs or sound “suburban”, I steer clear.  (I’m such a city snob.) I’m not a huge fan of “LOL” or 😉 faces, and if used to excess, I’m out (use your words!).  I can hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me I’m too picky!  Oh, well!  I know what I want.

He said: Years ago I had a list of things I was looking for.  Eventually I realized I don’t need or want a list.  These are more guidelines than hard and fast rules.  So…

Rescue me!  Dude, nothing turns me off faster than a woman who says she wants a man to take care of her.  There’s an element of that in any relationship.  It’s a 2 way street.  I’ve had a couple of relationships where the woman expected me to plan nights out, do ‘man things’ around the house, put oil in her car, etc.  I’m more than willing to do all that but not exclusively while she sits on the couch and watches TV.  People need to help themselves too.

Nothing about physical activity.  Many people check the box that they like to do outdoor things or say they like being outside.  I’ll call bullshit.  This is where you gotta read between the lines.  My experience is that if she doesn’t mention it in her personal write-up, it’s not a big thing.  I’m looking for someone who likes to be outside of their own accord and on a regular basis.

Sentences in all CAPS, a list of things she doesn’t want, talks about how guys are dicks, or exudes hate…  Doesn’t matter how hot she is or great the other qualities are.  These are surefire signs that someone is too negative, controlling or wants to be a victim.  We’ve all experienced landmines in the dating game, if you want to feel victimized, jaded, and are negative about life, thanks for letting me know I should stay away.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” or “I never thought I’d be on here.” I’m guessing none of us on a dating website thought we’d be here.  But we’re all here in the same boat.   Embrace it.

Start with, “insert witty phrase here.” Take a chance at being creative.  Everyone is creative in their own unique way.  That’s what makes us all snowflakes.

Hardcore religion.  If you’re profile mentions God is the most important person in your life, we’re not meant to be.  I am spiritual, believe in God, don’t go to church.  I follow pieces of many religions.

Someone who is separated or has kids.  Too complicated for my simple life.  An exception is made for Blake Lively.

If she lives more than 10 miles away.  There are hundreds of women fitting what I’m looking for living in the immediate area so no need to go further.  I’ve dated some amazing women in say Philly or Richmond but the juice was just not worth the squeeze.  I try long distance dating about once a year. Guess I think something will change.  It hasn’t yet.

She replied: Wow.  That’s quite a non-list, Mike!  And I thought I had a huge list of qualifiers!  (To be exact, my list is 22 items long, but I lost it in the move so I’ve been unable to reference it.  No worries though because I’ve since realized it is all about chemistry and how someone makes me feel).  I pretty much assume the religion, separation, and long distance thing is unspoken.  Same for college degrees and smoking.  All this intel is making want to go back and read my profile!

He replied: Don’t think I mentioned it before…my profile contains about 5 general qualities I’d like to find in a woman.  I stayed away from listing things I’m NOT looking for.  I tend to be direct and that doesn’t always translate well so instead of saying “I’m looking for these 5 things,” I said something along the lines of, “I enjoy spending time outside with friends and family” or “I prefer to get my drama from episodes of the Jersey Shore.”.  No matter how I did it, the idea was to always stay positive.

Profiles that catch my eye…

She said: Show some bit of creativity.  And I’m a huge fan of proofreading!  The profile does not need to be brilliantly written or entertaining; it just has to show some unique characteristic or passion that separates them from the pack.  And if the guy is excessively tall, that catches my eye.  There, I said it.  Is it so wrong to want to feel like a lady?  But don’t get me started on the tiny girls that want tall guys.   Grrrrr.

He said:


Cleavage or skin.  I’m a guy.  I notice.  Of course if you don’t have pictures of cleavage that doesn’t exclude you.  If all your pics are of you lounging by the pool in a bikini, that’s great to look at, but tells me you’re probably not what I’m looking for.  I want someone who is active, likes to go out on the weekends, playing and watching sports so I look for pics that show a range of activities.

People who talk about doing outdoor things in their personal narrative.  I like getting dressed up as much as the next guy, but I also like going out and playing in nature on the weekends.  Someone I’ll end up with will probably own at least one piece of fleece clothing.  One time I was talking to a really hot friend of a friend at a bar.  Conversation was going really well and out of the blue she mentioned she could never go anywhere without a hair dryer. Totally deflated the conversation and within 30 seconds I was out of there.  I’ve learned that it is just not what I’m looking for.

Creativity, funny picture, witty write-up, humor.  If you make me laugh out loud I’m hooked.  I sent a message to a woman yesterday because she mentioned Hot Dog the Movie!.  If you’ve never seen this fine piece of 80’s cinema…you’re missing out.  It’s a hilarious movie.

She replied: Cleavage?!?  Who knew?  Seriously, this was news to me.  I think I have winter coats on in my profile photos!  Which, I guess if you know me you know that’s pretty much my style….maybe that explains the singleness?  I thought putting cleavage in photos attracted the wrong guy or sent some messages I did not want to send.  This is definitely helpful.  I’m money on the funny photos and creativity, so I’m all good there.

He replied: Good points Megan.  I don’t use LOL but occasionally used 😉 or !.  I’m secretly a 10 year old girl that’s into Miley Cyrus, rainbows and hosting tea parties.

How did you write your profile?

She said: One night I was feeling kind of lazy, so I did this verb thing.  For example, the questions were “On a typical Friday night you are…” and I just listed a bunch of verbs without descriptions (aka, lazy).  I said they could ask me for the rest of the sentence or send me some interesting choices of their own.  Turns out, that was a pretty good trick and I’ve gotten some creative replies!  Yet another example of how I’ve been able to work laziness to my advantage.  Score.

He said: On  a keyboard.

Honesty is so key to writing the profile.  There’s no sense in stretching the truth to the rest of the online dating community.  I don’t want to waste my time attracting someone who is attracted to a fake me.  Truth always comes out eventually.  On another note, writing a profile is like fishing.  Gotta know the right bait to use to catch the fish you’re after.  Use the incorrect bait and you’ll keep catching catfish instead of trout.

I’m a peacock.  For example, these are my last 2 dating profile pics:  These pictures really describe me.  I’m more comfortable outside in shorts and flip flops.   If someone thinks I look like an idiot dressed like that, totally cool and I don’t want to be with them.

Humor is important to me so I weave a little bit in.  I like to make people laugh so for me it’s honest.  At least make it interesting.

Leave threads for the woman to pull by picking a few things to drop in your profile that are interesting and leave room for her to ask questions.   For example, if you’ve traveled the world, leave it at that.  Then she has room to ask where, favorite place visited…

Ask open-ended questions.  Can you see us together?  Do you like long walks in the park, a man that can cook, dogs, flowers and sunny days in the park, Miley Cyrus, tea parties?

End with an invitation.  “If this sounds interesting drop me a line.”

She replied: Laziness is honesty, right?  Ha!  The humor thing is tough because everyone thinks they are funny.  No one writes “I have a bad sense of humor” or “I find sadness in everyday experiences”.  And I like the idea of leaving bits for people to ask you about.  That’s how you know they read it and understood your profile.

He replied: I prefer to think of it as efficient instead of lazy.  I’m going to steal your verb idea and see how it works.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


And there you have it folks.  Got any questions about what to say or post in your profile?  Leave a note in the comments section and we’ll answer them.  Next part: the communication.  Thanks for reading!

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